About four months ago, I knew something was wrong and I felt
it in the pit of my stomach. In fact,
when I look back on the last four or five years, I now realize there were signs
all along. I relentlessly pursue life
and often ignore the daily aches and pains.
I chalk things up as being a result of grief and unimaginable loss, a
product of working a high stress job, being a single parent. I figured it was all a result of carrying the
weight of the world on my shoulders, so I pushed forward. That’s what I do, what I’ve always done, and
nothing was going to change that.
During the second week of the Crossfit Open back in
February, I felt great and was probably in better shape than I have ever
been. I poured my heart and soul into
the gym and in a way, I was doing it for Brittany. The open was always my Kryptonite. In years previous, I got an injury which
required surgery, I came down with a nasty staph infection the following year,
ended up with rhabo two years ago, and got crazy sick last year. Brittany would make fun of me relentlessly
and tell me I might as well not even sign up because something would obviously
happen to me. I did anyways, and she was
always right.
I did a walkthrough of 15.2 (the second workout for the 2015
Crossfit Open) and after a couple rounds, I felt great and decided to go for
it. I kicked it into another gear and
midway through the overhead squats, I felt a burning sensation run from my neck
to my right eye. The intense burning
lasted for approximately five minutes and literally dropped me to the
floor. I told myself it was just a
result of all the damage in my neck from my MMA days and despite having a
permanent headache and blurred vision for several days, I went after it again
three days later. The same thing
happened again, only more intense, and lasted for way longer. I was left with a permanent headache for
three weeks straight. I never missed
work and had my neck taped with kinesiology tape twice per week just so I could
do my job. I was devastated . . . But I
laughed in my head with Brittany because it was always something during the
Crossfit Open.
As the days went by, I began to deal with more and more
nerve symptoms and approximately two months ago, I was absolutely positive
something was wrong. I fought this
feeling over and over and told myself I was just freaked out because Brittany’s
case was so rare. I still didn’t miss
work, but I was utterly exhausted from that unwavering feeling lurking deep
down and from the constant nerve pain / symptoms I was experiencing. I didn’t tell a soul. My family and friends have been through so
much this past year. Not just the loss
of Brittany . . . so much more. I’ve
always looked at myself as the glue . . . the person that was always ok and
always would be. I didn’t want anyone to
worry about me.
| This was at a recent K9 Demo for the Humane Society. My nerve symptoms were so bad I could barely feel my feet and an electrical current ran down both legs every time I looked down. |
Two weeks ago, I drove myself to the E.R. and had an MRI of
my neck / head. I sat there by myself
waiting for the results. I prayed for a
bulging disk or some type of spinal injury.
The doctor brought me into a conference room and told me my brain looked
good, but there was a lesion on my spinal cord between my c2 / c3. He would have the MRI looked over again in
the morning, but the results suggested a high likelihood of Multiple
Sclerosis. This was my exact fear. The next morning at work, I got a call from
an emergency room nurse making sure I was going to follow up with my primary
care doctor. I knew what that phone call meant. I’ve seen several more since then and have an appointment
with a neurologist at the end of the month for disease confirmation /
treatment.
My grandpa was diagnosed with MS around the same age and his
first fight with it left him paralyzed on his entire right side. The doctors told him he would never walk
again. He told them to “Fuck off,”
strapped a brace on his leg, and learned how to walk again. Apparently my stubbornness and tenacity is
genetic.
I’ve told family and a few friends what is going, but I've been afraid to tell anyone else. I
hate being afraid of anything, so I figured why not write about it and tell
everyone while I’m at it. For anyone who
feels sorry for me, I did 21 straight strict pull-ups this morning. I guess the only people who can feel sorry
for me are those who can do more than that. For those that question my judgement in regards to working through all this, I assure you I evaluate that decision every day before putting on my uniform. I would bet that short of my closest friends at work, those I work with daily had no idea what was going on. It takes everything I have, but my performance where it counts is as good as ever.
Here’s what I know. I
know I have some challenging days ahead of me.
I know I am a natural born fighter and live for a good fight. I know if anyone can handle this and have a
good quality of life, it’s me. I know I shared my life with the most influential human being I have ever met and she undoubtedly prepared me for what's to come. I know I am grateful this didn't emerge while she was in the midst of her fight so I could be there for her and our family. I know I have a dear friend with MS and she's still Superwoman as far as I'm concerned. I know I got
to spend this morning watching my beautiful son run around our farm and I
experienced a tremendous amount of pride knowing I helped create him. I know he will become a good man no matter what happens to me. I know I could end up in a wheelchair
someday, but I’m not in one today, and I probably won’t be tomorrow. I know All We Have is Today and I hope my
story forces you to adopt that type of outlook on life.
It's my turn. Bring It!
