Life Without Her

I flew down to Los Angeles with Janessa and Kristina this past week to meet with one of our Everyday Warriors, Tiffany Milohov.  Tiffany’s treatment plan had been doubled recently and I’ll never forget the day when Brittany found out her treatment would be extended…it was like the wind was taken from her sails.  I knew it was time for Everyday Warrior to step in.  I constantly read the mission statement Brittany created to remind myself exactly what our purpose is as an organization, and the words INSPIRE and EMPOWER always stand out to me.  I wanted our organization to be there for Tiffany when she needed us most…I wanted to inspire and empower her, and I wanted her to feel loved beyond measure. 

I carry Brittany’s latest journal with me wherever I go.  She was a list maker and very organized, and this journal contains the very first to-do lists for Everyday Warrior.  I stare at her hand writing and I reminisce about how passionate our conversations would be when we were in the beginning planning stages.  I am so amazed at how much she was able to accomplish within such a short period of time and while being sick.  I wish she could see it now and I would give anything to be annoyed because she wouldn’t stop talking about it.   

  

We had not planned on dispersing money until after the Battle Series, but I wanted to prove to Tiffany and her fiancé, Aaron, that this organization is her family and we are in this fight together.  Brittany and Tiffany had talked fairly extensively prior to Brittany getting sick, and I know Brittany’s passing was extremely hard on them.  Brittany was untouchable to so many, and to see her leave this world was a very scary and unsettling reminder to those fighting for their own life.   The board of directors worked extremely hard to get Tiffany selected as a Featured Warrior while Brittany was in the hospital.  Brittany was able to see Tiffany on the Everyday Warrior website before she passed away.  I will never forget Brittany’s smile when she saw that and I am incredibly grateful for that moment. 

This trip was not just for Tiffany and Aaron.  It was part of our healing process and it was a trip we knew Brittany would take with us.  Kristina and Janessa were part of a core group that stood by me every step of the way during Brittany’s last month, and this trip was a beautiful experience we shared together and it gave me some closure and I hope it did the same for them.  Tiffany and Aaron were exactly who I imagined and it was like we knew each other for years.  We knew Aaron was going to propose to Tiffany the following day, which I think made the trip even more special. 

Here we were, standing in front of a courageous woman / warrior, knowing the financial support Everyday Warrior was providing would ease the burden this disease had placed on the life they were starting together…talk about a divine experience.  So many things could’ve gone wrong with this trip (four flights in 24 hours, rental car, traffic, time-line, etc.), but everything was perfect.  There was no question in my mind she was with us every step of the way. 

Janessa and Kristina…Thank you! Thank you for being there for Brittany and thank you for being there for me and Liam.  Thank you For Everything!

Tiffany and Aaron…we love you and congrats on the engagement.  I wish all of our board members could’ve met you, but they will have that opportunity soon.

Liam and I are slowly finding a new normal, but the sadness is tremendous.  For me, and partly because I never had a chance to grieve after returning home, losing Brittany is more prevalent now than ever.  It’s been over a month since her passing, but the darkness seems to creep in more and more every day.  I wish I could stop time so I would be able to catch my breath before Liam’s birthday and the holidays approach.  I can't stand the thought of having Liam's second birthday without her.  I can't imagine her not bugging me relentlessly about how soon we can get a Christmas tree or about how tall it could be.  And I absolutely can't imagine not being woke up by her Christmas morning because that was the one day she was like an eight year old girl.  

I carry her journal around and scan the pages aimlessly… It’s like I can hear her thoughts.  After our workout at Tiffany’s gym (Crossfit Intersect), I scanned the clothing racks for a solid five minutes trying to figure out what shirt I should bring home to Brittany.  I day dream about Brittany frequently and several days ago, I walked around the house looking for her so she could watch Liam while I took a shower.  The grieving process really is a fascinating thing.  I take my anger and tuck it away somewhere deep and I try to replace it with the overwhelming love Brittany left behind…key word being “try.”  I have no time to waste being angry…Brittany certainly didn’t and she wouldn’t want my anger to encompass me. Easier said than done...

I go back to work next week.  Like many men and women in my profession, the thought of death is at the forefront of our mind.  I am not afraid to admit that and in fact, it has to be in order for us to be good at our job.  I have never been afraid to make the ultimate sacrifice if it was required of me.  It’s almost like that was pre-programed in my genetics.  When Liam was born, I was afraid of him growing up without a father, but I knew Brittany was fully capable of raising him without me and she knew the type of man I wanted Liam to be.  There was no question in my mind she could raise Liam without me and he would turn into a tremendous man.  Now that Brittany is gone, I’m still not afraid of death, but I’m unbelievably terrified of Liam growing up without either parent.  

Before Brittany passed away, she made it very clear she wanted me to continue being a cop and she did not want me to give up my K9.  She was always so proud and supportive of me…which is something I have craved and missed dearly.  But I refuse to live my life afraid of what could possibly happen and instead, I made a promise to myself and to Brittany to live in the moment and to cherish each day.  Easier said than done for most…but I no longer have a choice but to live that way.  Despite the darkness, I’ve found ways to enjoy each day, and it’s typically forced upon me by Liam’s big heart or his ridiculous antics.

I find myself writing when things get too tough to bear.  I wish the holidays weren’t so close and that Brittany and I didn’t have such important traditions.  I loved the holidays with her and I now understand why the holiday season can be so hard for those that experience a loss such as our family.

This is my life without her and I would never have dreamed of sharing these thoughts publicly...but I made a promise to her and I wanted to share some of my recent experiences involving Everyday Warrior.  I am so unbelievably proud of what our friends and family have done with this organization, and it's only just the beginning.  

Tyler, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done. 

What I would do to bring her back...

Brittany had it all figured out.  I made a promise to myself that when things slowed down, I would document Liam’s everyday life on Facebook and would figure out how to use various other social media sites because Brittany would want that. I used to lightheartedly make fun of her for how many pictures of Liam she would post on Facebook on any given day, and I was always uncomfortable with how much of our personal life she shared on social media.  I now know Brittany was just proud of her life.  Brittany wasn’t proud of her possessions...she was proud of the life she helped create in Liam, her family, and the relationships she fostered along the way.  She simply wanted to share her life with everyone.  Like I said, Brittany had it all figured out.

Our wedding night

My mom used to tell me she believed I was an “old soul.”  After getting to know and love Brittany like nobody else did, I questioned whether I was in fact an old soul.  I’m not sure I’ve ever had the same zest for life like Brittany had.  I've always been focused and driven, but I never enjoyed the simplest of things like Brittany did.  To put it simple, I didn’t know how to “live” like Brittany.  I could probably count the number of bad days Brittany had in the last ten years on both hands.  How many of us can truly say that?  I would imagine an old soul would be more like Brittany.  It’s easy to work hard and be driven, but it’s much harder to find perspective and to apply that to your daily life.  

  

Up until her diagnosis in November of 2013, Brittany was never completely satisfied with her professional career and she knew there was a bigger purpose for her in this world.  I think that is why she loved Crossfit so much.  Like so many in the Crossfit world, she would sit behind a desk during the day, only to unleash that warrior spirit in the gym at night.  She used to always tell me how her profession never allowed her to be who she really was, and that’s what Crossfit fostered...it was an atmosphere that encouraged Brittany to be her true self.  An Everyday Warrior.

When our son was born, I was adamant Brittany not return to work full time because I wanted him to spend as much time with her as possible.  She was a phenomenal mother.  I know that now more than ever.  She set an incredible foundation for me and yet, I still feel so lost.  I know there is no way I can recreate what Brittany provided for Liam, but I will certainly never give up trying.  

As with most people or things in this world, you don’t fully appreciate them until they are gone.  But I always knew how lucky Liam was to have Brittany as his mother…Liam was her everything.  I know some husbands have a hard time with getting bumped down the priority list when they have children…Not me, they are both the loves of my life and I felt tremendous pride and fulfillment when I saw them together.  I am terrified I will never be able to make Liam understand how much he was loved by his mother.  I’m not sure it’s even possible, but I know the endless people who loved Brittany will make sure Liam knows how much she was adored and how special she was.  I will make sure he knows every facet of Brittany’s life, as well as their life together.  

I can feel Brittany with me virtually everywhere I go.  I hold her hand as I’m driving down the road and I talk to her as if she’s in our bed before I close my eyes at night.  At times I feel her strength, and at other times, I feel sick to my stomach and pray that it's all just a dream.  There is not a single aspect of my life or inch of my house that does not remind me of Brittany.  During one of her last moments of clarity, I asked her to prove to me that she was with Liam and I every single day.  I wanted to know without a doubt that what I saw or what I felt was her.  I will tell you there is no question in my mind she is with us.  What I would do to bring her back…

I’ve always been a very private person, but I undoubtedly preferred Brittany’s company over myself.  I briefly dated Brittany in high school towards the end of our Junior year, but we went our separate ways in life.  We randomly met up about three years later and I remember how surprised I was.  Brittany was still the same person I remembered in high school, but she had grown up.  She turned into a woman and had such a beautiful perspective on life.  At some point during those three years, Brittany found out who she was and what she wanted out of life.  We hung out every single weekend from that point forward and we were inseparable ever sense.  Brittany was and always will be my best friend.

For some reason, Brittany adored me.  As the years went by, I think I made it harder and harder for her to adore me, but I never questioned her love or her devotion.  Being a cop’s wife is tough enough…being my wife was even harder.  I’ve always had crazy expectations of myself, and undoubtedly, everyone I surrounded myself with.  Brittany understood that, never judged me, and helped me understand and accept myself.  She also knew me better than anybody else in this world, and there was something so comforting about that.  At times, there was no question she knew me better than I knew myself. 

My swearing in ceremony at Lake Oswego Police Dept. in 2006

I wanted Liam to see and know his parents together, which seems so obvious, but for the past year I have prayed for that simple desire daily. I wanted him to see the deep friendship and loyalty we had for one another.  I wanted him to see how strong his momma was.  I wanted him to see how strong her spirit was and how she loved life so fiercely.  I wanted him to know her so he could better understand himself.  I believe Liam is far more Brittany than me.  Maybe if we had another child, he/she would be more like me, but I’m certainly grateful our only child is more like Brittany.    

I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared of what’s ahead and I know it will get worse before it gets better.  At the end of the day, and just like many of you, I’m scared of moving forward in life without her.  Brittany’s purpose in life was her son and Everyday Warrior.  I made her a promise that I would cherish and support both with all that I am.  I know I won’t let her down.  

Trying to thank everyone individually overwhelms me because so many people have helped and provided support for my family.  I have read every single message and every single card.  I didn’t respond to the majority, but I cherished every one of them.   It has been very obvious to me that No One Fights Alone, and I am more driven than ever to change lives through Everyday Warrior because of the support for Brittany and my family.  Through Brittany, my purpose in life has certainly been re-directed and I am forever grateful for that.  

Brittany was a warrior like I have never seen.  During her last two weeks of life, I wanted Brittany to give up on multiple occasions because I could not bear seeing her suffer another minute.  But the truth is, her warrior spirit was the last thing to leave her body because it was not in her DNA to give up.  Brittany was Divine and I feel like it will take me a lifetime to understand her impact on this world…let alone our family and friends.  I love her more than life, and always will. 

I am not angry.  I am blessed to have spent the last ten years with her, to learn from her, to grow with her, to laugh with her, to be loved by her, and most importantly, to have a son with her.