Life Without Her

I flew down to Los Angeles with Janessa and Kristina this past week to meet with one of our Everyday Warriors, Tiffany Milohov.  Tiffany’s treatment plan had been doubled recently and I’ll never forget the day when Brittany found out her treatment would be extended…it was like the wind was taken from her sails.  I knew it was time for Everyday Warrior to step in.  I constantly read the mission statement Brittany created to remind myself exactly what our purpose is as an organization, and the words INSPIRE and EMPOWER always stand out to me.  I wanted our organization to be there for Tiffany when she needed us most…I wanted to inspire and empower her, and I wanted her to feel loved beyond measure. 

I carry Brittany’s latest journal with me wherever I go.  She was a list maker and very organized, and this journal contains the very first to-do lists for Everyday Warrior.  I stare at her hand writing and I reminisce about how passionate our conversations would be when we were in the beginning planning stages.  I am so amazed at how much she was able to accomplish within such a short period of time and while being sick.  I wish she could see it now and I would give anything to be annoyed because she wouldn’t stop talking about it.   

  

We had not planned on dispersing money until after the Battle Series, but I wanted to prove to Tiffany and her fiancé, Aaron, that this organization is her family and we are in this fight together.  Brittany and Tiffany had talked fairly extensively prior to Brittany getting sick, and I know Brittany’s passing was extremely hard on them.  Brittany was untouchable to so many, and to see her leave this world was a very scary and unsettling reminder to those fighting for their own life.   The board of directors worked extremely hard to get Tiffany selected as a Featured Warrior while Brittany was in the hospital.  Brittany was able to see Tiffany on the Everyday Warrior website before she passed away.  I will never forget Brittany’s smile when she saw that and I am incredibly grateful for that moment. 

This trip was not just for Tiffany and Aaron.  It was part of our healing process and it was a trip we knew Brittany would take with us.  Kristina and Janessa were part of a core group that stood by me every step of the way during Brittany’s last month, and this trip was a beautiful experience we shared together and it gave me some closure and I hope it did the same for them.  Tiffany and Aaron were exactly who I imagined and it was like we knew each other for years.  We knew Aaron was going to propose to Tiffany the following day, which I think made the trip even more special. 

Here we were, standing in front of a courageous woman / warrior, knowing the financial support Everyday Warrior was providing would ease the burden this disease had placed on the life they were starting together…talk about a divine experience.  So many things could’ve gone wrong with this trip (four flights in 24 hours, rental car, traffic, time-line, etc.), but everything was perfect.  There was no question in my mind she was with us every step of the way. 

Janessa and Kristina…Thank you! Thank you for being there for Brittany and thank you for being there for me and Liam.  Thank you For Everything!

Tiffany and Aaron…we love you and congrats on the engagement.  I wish all of our board members could’ve met you, but they will have that opportunity soon.

Liam and I are slowly finding a new normal, but the sadness is tremendous.  For me, and partly because I never had a chance to grieve after returning home, losing Brittany is more prevalent now than ever.  It’s been over a month since her passing, but the darkness seems to creep in more and more every day.  I wish I could stop time so I would be able to catch my breath before Liam’s birthday and the holidays approach.  I can't stand the thought of having Liam's second birthday without her.  I can't imagine her not bugging me relentlessly about how soon we can get a Christmas tree or about how tall it could be.  And I absolutely can't imagine not being woke up by her Christmas morning because that was the one day she was like an eight year old girl.  

I carry her journal around and scan the pages aimlessly… It’s like I can hear her thoughts.  After our workout at Tiffany’s gym (Crossfit Intersect), I scanned the clothing racks for a solid five minutes trying to figure out what shirt I should bring home to Brittany.  I day dream about Brittany frequently and several days ago, I walked around the house looking for her so she could watch Liam while I took a shower.  The grieving process really is a fascinating thing.  I take my anger and tuck it away somewhere deep and I try to replace it with the overwhelming love Brittany left behind…key word being “try.”  I have no time to waste being angry…Brittany certainly didn’t and she wouldn’t want my anger to encompass me. Easier said than done...

I go back to work next week.  Like many men and women in my profession, the thought of death is at the forefront of our mind.  I am not afraid to admit that and in fact, it has to be in order for us to be good at our job.  I have never been afraid to make the ultimate sacrifice if it was required of me.  It’s almost like that was pre-programed in my genetics.  When Liam was born, I was afraid of him growing up without a father, but I knew Brittany was fully capable of raising him without me and she knew the type of man I wanted Liam to be.  There was no question in my mind she could raise Liam without me and he would turn into a tremendous man.  Now that Brittany is gone, I’m still not afraid of death, but I’m unbelievably terrified of Liam growing up without either parent.  

Before Brittany passed away, she made it very clear she wanted me to continue being a cop and she did not want me to give up my K9.  She was always so proud and supportive of me…which is something I have craved and missed dearly.  But I refuse to live my life afraid of what could possibly happen and instead, I made a promise to myself and to Brittany to live in the moment and to cherish each day.  Easier said than done for most…but I no longer have a choice but to live that way.  Despite the darkness, I’ve found ways to enjoy each day, and it’s typically forced upon me by Liam’s big heart or his ridiculous antics.

I find myself writing when things get too tough to bear.  I wish the holidays weren’t so close and that Brittany and I didn’t have such important traditions.  I loved the holidays with her and I now understand why the holiday season can be so hard for those that experience a loss such as our family.

This is my life without her and I would never have dreamed of sharing these thoughts publicly...but I made a promise to her and I wanted to share some of my recent experiences involving Everyday Warrior.  I am so unbelievably proud of what our friends and family have done with this organization, and it's only just the beginning.  

Tyler, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done.